Mid-life crisis at 20?

I feel like I'm betraying myself by typing out this post instead of posting one of my regular videos. I have said before that this is a video/picture blog but i'm just not in the mood of a vlog. I have not been in the mood for awhile now. Hence, my absence. But I decided I should post something on here. Just because it's my salvation. After all, when surrounded by sadness and uncertainty a writer has to look for her parchment. This is my parchment and I'm thankful i get to share my thoughts and mostly my anger and sadness with a bunch of my friends online.

So here's an update from Bunny Naidu;

I've been listening to sad songs. I don't know why, I can't explain it, but somehow it's my favourite thing to do. I don't know where I am in my life right now. Does that make sense? Is it just me? Does everyone else feel this too? Like you are not moving forward. Just stuck with nothing to do. I know my time will come. I know I have a future but I'm just not sure about it right now. I hope this is just a phase because I'm a generally happy person and being all upset and angry makes me even more upset and angry. I hate being so whiny. I hate that I'm blaming myself. I know this is my best and i have given myself the best life i could manage. So why am I so angry at myself?

I just feel so mediocre. I know this is my best, so I know I cannot expect more. But what upsets me is that I just wish i was worse. Less of what I am. So I wouldn't expect much you know? Cause now i'm always hoping for things to change. I feel like i deserve for things to be better. I feel like I deserve to be happier. But the thing about being mediocre is that you have space to hope for a change but that change won't come to you because there's other more deserving high achievers out there.

This is pointless. I hate waiting. I hate being hopeful. I hate rejection.